Everything

Yayayayayay. A new blog. An online diary, that anyone can read, but that probably no one will. If you are reading~ I'm no longer at my dream school. Yep, I used to go to lovely APU, but now... Sadness. Or rather, depression. It was too expensive. So, now I'm going to a community college and living with my parents. Woohoo. Not.

I just found out today that my inheritance from when my Mimi died was squandered in one semester. How does that happen? It was supposed to go to my grandfather so that he could be in charge of it, and I had a $10,000 Cal-Grant, a $4,000 student loan, and $3,500 financial aid from the school. The tuition is just about $33,000/yr. $20,000 is gone. How the HELL did that happen?! So my FAFSA is skewed, with an EFC of $25,000, and with how much my parents are always bitching about financial issues, I kind of doubt that I'd even be able to go to this community college next year without the fee waiver that I had this semester. The inheritance was supposed to go in my grandfather's care so that it wouldn't skew the FAFSA when we can't afford to spend it all super-fast like that. So, number 1, it shouldn't be there at all, and number two, where did it go??! EFC=$25,000, and we do NOT have that kind of money.

I don't feel like I can trust my parents with anything anymore. With about $17,000/semester (without counting my financial aid) and $20,000 gone, how can I? My mom was the one who maxed out my credit card. They said they paid it off, but I don't even know where it is. When I was 13 and babysitting, they "borrowed" $150 that I had been saving. Later, when I asked them when I could expect to be paid back, they went on and on about how it should be graciously given to them, and how some children grow up and happily give back to their parents in thanks for raising and taking care of them. Point taken, when I have an actual job, I'll help pay for my little brothers' college expenses. Well, that's what I thought before today.

My mom and I have an interesting relationship. We have been fighting on and off since I was 12. There's good times, and there's bad times. I thought we were headed for a good time, maybe. I was wrong.

I need to pay for my school myself. I need to support myself. I am not yet nineteen, yet this seems to be necessary. Nothing I do is good enough for her. Nor for myself, but it's easier to please myself then it is to please her.

Am I doing something wrong, or is this right? It seems like I should be independent and able to support myself- I just never imagined that I would have to do it on my own. I wish I had a car so that I wouldn't have to rely on Adam, my ex-boyfriend, to get anywhere. But I'm not scheduled very much at my new job, and I think I've gotten myself into a situation where all of my money will be gone before I've gotten it for a long while. There go my dreams of getting out of this damned household. How do you get out of these traps?

Accounting of where it went, from my father:
$2,000- My grad party
$1,000- Books/supplies
$1,000- Dorm furniture
$8,000- Tuition
$2,500- My parents' mortgage
$6,000- December "issues"

I never needed a $2,000 party!! WTF?! We pulled off my Sweet 16 for under $50, how did this happen?? I thought my parents were paying for this.
I was under the impression that the books, supplies, and dorm furniture were also paid for my parents, with the tuition costs being split between them and my inheritance money, plus whatever I could make from Federal Work Study. I didn't know that I was paying all of it. In addition, my mom "bought" me a whole bunch of stuff, and I thought she was overdoing it. With the "knowledge" that it was coming out of her own pocket, I didn't want to give her too much grief and decided to let her have fun for once, since she, by her own admittance, lives vicariously through me. If I had known that this was coming out of my money that was supposed to pay for me even going to college at all, I would have gotten the bedsheets and some organizational stuff and supplies and books and that would be about it. I don't need the fancy lamp or the little table and chairs set or all the pillows or the white board or all the bins that I don't use or the mini fridge or a gallon of milk or etc, etc, etc!!!
And $8,500 went to their personal shit. They are FUCKING full-fledged adults who should take responsibility for all the hell of this.

And my biological father owes me lots of money in child support, but since he is currently in hiding in another country, it's a teensy bit hard to write him a letter and say, "Hey, you owe me money for all the years you were gone, and I need money for college, so can we PLEASE work this out?" Jerk. The only "law" he's hiding from, that I know of, is paying my child support, so don't get all excited thinking that I have a criminal mastermind for a blood relative or whatever.

But seriously, what happened? I didn't know that I was being held responsible for my schooling- oh, and did you notice? $8,500 went to their personal shit. $8,000 went to my tuition. Meaning, I could have finished the school year. And I bet, if I had stayed at APU, I wouldn't have made the mistake that I did make in February. I'll bet you anything. I'd blame them for me losing my virginity, but, hey, I'm not a kid anymore, and while that certainly contributed to it, in the end, I still should have been stronger.

But what could I do? All I wanted was to be loved, and all I got was fighting, being kicked out, being yelled at, blamed, etc. Naturally, when I found someone who still cherished me and held me close, I wanted to pull him closer and never let go. I always thought the point of life was to love and be loved. Why was I so wrong? Not about the sex, about the love. If love was the point, people would be happy and my mom wouldn't call me a bitch.

I can't honestly tell you whether I'd prefer to stay with a clean, innocent reputation or become a statistic, a teen mother, either. I could do it, you know. Maybe some other girls can't, but I can. Yes, it would be hard, and a huge mistake, and it would mess up my schooling, but I long for that reward. I dread going through labor, but somehow I view the honor of having a child to be a crowning accomplishment for a woman. The women look at their new baby and proclaim him or her to be beautiful, regardless of the actual appearance, leading me to believe that everything they've done until then has been worth it. Forgive me, but while I don't know what I want to do in life, I do know what I want to be. I think I kind of feel like having a baby is something that maybe I won't screw up, maybe something that will be like God saying, "Here, you've done well." That's ok, though, ideally, I wouldn't have a kid for another ten years or so. :) But still. And you can screw up having a baby- just give birth to one with a birth defect or mental disorder!! :D I'm so close-minded. But it kind of makes sense, you're not supposed to drink or smoke while pregnant, or else you'll have a baby with a defect. Just like, if you don't do your homework, you'll bomb the test. Yeah, I have no experience with children who aren't normal and smart and stuff, so I'll probably get an autistic child or something. Woohoo. If I'm really such a horrible person, then it would be a karma thing too. "What goes around comes around." Or maybe my kid will grow up to be a serial killer. But I bet a disabled child isn't as bad as I perceive it to be, so. Yeah, ok. Anyways... I should end, this is way too long and tactless already.